i’m sick of having to harden myself, so that i’m not invisible. i’m tired of transmuting rage into charm before i’m ready. constantly being denied the opportunity to fully flesh out an experience is exhausting. that my programming causes me to do it to myself is a shameful source of heartbreak.
how would i feel if i could fully feel?
feel, without worrying about how my feelings affect others. without worrying about what they mean before they’re fully out, without judging the unfamiliar parts as something outside myself.
i don’t want to make comedy out of tragedy before its time, just to reduce the sting of feeling like i’m always in someone’s crosshairs. just like black absorbs every color, my black body keeps the score, so there’s no mental number fudging i could do to outrun my experience. that’s been the hardest math i’ve had to learn.
… to be continued